Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Questions for "Nurse Appall Demon"

Here at Spokanicity we strive to improve our lives. As such, we have invited a "guest columnist, Nurse Appall Demon," (pictured) to respond to the many health related emails we have received since Spokanicity was started.

Dear Nurse Demon: I recently knocked up my gf and since I make her tell me when she's on her period, I noticed that she hasn't had a period since she got pregnant so is the baby drinking my gf's period blood? -- I'm Bloody Concerned

Dear I'm Bloody Concerned: Yes, your baby is in fact drinking the period blood. That is how the baby grows to be big and why your "gf" shouldn't be having a period. It also serves as a way to tell parents that they are pregnant. If you do notice any flows, be careful because

Dear Nurse Demon: I'm stressed lately, what do I do? I've tried everything: Massage, sex, pot, guitar hero, listening to Toto...they all don't work! -- Ray from Deer Park

Dear Ray from Deer Park: Simple. Drink!

Note: The unedited versions of the following questions can be seen and attributed here

Dear Nurse Demon: Help! My girlfriend is a pregnant virgin! Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for like almost a year. We even got chastity rings and belts with codes! So one day my girl comes up to me and points at her belly saying I'm pregnent. I look at it and realize SHE IS!!!!!!!!! OMG BEHBEHS :-( The only problem is we got our chastity belts on. She sez shes still a virgin and the only people that know our belt codes are our parents!!!!!! What could be happening? -- Seriously help

Dear Seriously Help: You have an immaculate conception on your hand. This only happens to 0.19% of all pregnancies thanks to Our Lord and Savior. I suggest you go to your nearest white protestant evangelical church and make sure Jesus is your BFF to help you through this because your baby is the next coming. Alleluia!

Dear Nurse: I was playing a simple game of beer pong with the ball bounced up and got stuck in my vajeyjey! I dont want to go to the er cause I dont got insurance. Can you ask a doctor what do I do? - Ping Pong

Dear Ping Pong: Do you have a vacuum with a hose? The doctor said think that's the only way to do it. So unless you have a vacuum or you can go to an emergency department that will treat you without insurance, you'll have to just wait until you have a bowel movement.

Dear Nurse Apall: Okay, I know this is really gross, but sometimes when I sit on my toilet in my igloo, it looks like steam's comin' out of my vagina. Am I going to die or do I have some crazy disease? I've been searching the internet and can't find anything! Can you explain this to me? - Steamed

Dear Steamed: I hate to be the one to tell you this but you have a fatal condition known as gastritis. I have a feeling you consume a lot of dairy products. Unfortunately, if you have a true allergy (not just sensitivity) to dairy, it melts through your insides painlessly and comes out of your vagina or penis as steam. You see, this is due to the chemicals in milk reacting with your antibodies leading to a production of chlorine gas. As the chlorine gas gets released from your body, you're going to inevitably inhale it. And as we know, chlorine gas is toxic. Since you probably haven't stopped consuming dairy up till now, I would say that the buildup of chlorine gas is going to kill you and everyone you know in a couple days.

Dear Nurse Demon: I caught my son having sex with another guy. I think he might be gay. Is there a definitive way I can tell? This could be a phase. Is there some way I could be totally positive? He's only 29. -- Afraid of Rainbows

Dear Rainbows: There is a test out there on the market. This test was originally a home pregnancy test that had 20% false negatives. It was rebranded in South East Asia as coffee stirrers but it was recently discovered that they test for homosexuality with 99.9% accuracy. It's $19.95 if you act now. Hurry because supplies are limited.

Dear Nurse Demon: If a hen swallows a condom full of semen infected with HIV and if someone eats their meat, can you get AIDS? -- Colonel Popeye

Dear Colonel: First off, I would like to thank you for your service to your country. It's always good to thank a veteran. Second, as long as you marinade the chicken in beer and cook it over a grill, then eat it with plenty of alcohol, it will kill the HIV. You'll probably have to go through a whole six pack yourself to prepare and eat it, but I think you'll be fine.

Dear Nurse Demon: If I don't have sex, will my vagina eventually heal up and close? -- Fratty

Dear Fratty: Yes it will, unless you drink plenty of alcohol and have lots of sex. The alcohol irrigates the wound while sex prevents the wound from closing in on itself. Sorry, masturbation is only good for men. For women it helps potentiate healing up of vagina.

Dear Nurse Apall: Is there anyway to get the most popular guy in school to make me pregnant? IM 14 & I THINK im ready 4 a child & I hav the right guy to get me pregnant but he doesnt want to have 1 so is there anyway I can poke holes in his condoms with a needle without him knowing what I did? So you know, I have and job... and I dont want to be a old mother thats why I wanna have one b4 16 and the guy is 17 & hes the coolest richest guy in school and he has a car. What if I buy him condoms and poke holes in them and have him use them? -- Helen of Troy

Dear Troy: You could also convince him that he doesn't need a condom by telling him that if you have sex standing up you can't get pregnant or that you're on the pill.

Disclaimer: Spokanicity is designed for comedy purposes only and is not i
ntended to be a substitute for professional medical advice or for the care that patients receive from their licensed independent practitioners.

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