And now a word from our sponsors

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

via nbaoffseason.com

He was like, ‘What if it went in?’ I was like, ‘My bad.’

— Nate Robinson, relaying what Mike D’Antoni said about Robinson shooting at New Jersey’s basket at the first-quarter buzzer, before benching him for the rest of the game

Call Me If You Need Me

Want a little Tooley in you?

Man, what a coincidence, Paul! I was just reading about EdwardTooley, too! In this Details article:

So the Woman You Love Has the Hots for a Vampire. What Does That Say About You?

"We were just saying that there's a little bit of Edward Tooley in every guy"

Be More Like Edward Tooley

I wouldn't know, but apparently Edward Tooley's all the rage with the kids these days  reading those hit books and watching movies about his...adventures?...

I got called off from work this morning; when I got back I was looking at my RSS feeds.  Apparently the next movie might be directed by Gus Van Sant, which got me thinking, why is it that everyone wants him?  I did a little research and came across this interesting article on how to be more like him (since all the girls want him and all).

In short, Edward Tooley is every woman's fantasy.  He's handsome, he's got a rock hard body, he's wealthy, he's smart, he's articulate, and he's kind.

He's perfect--except for one teeny problem.  He’s a vampire and desperately desires the blood of his human girlfriend, Bella Devon.

Wikipedia goes on to say that

Edward Tooley is described by Bella Devon as being impossibly beautiful.  At various points in the series, she compares him to the mythical Greek god Adonis. His skin is "like marble"—very pale, ice cold, and sparkles in the sunlight.

She describes his facial features as being perfect and angular—high cheekbones, strong jawline, a straight nose, and full lips. His hair, which is always messy, retains the unusual bronze shade that he inherited in his human life from his biological mother.

His eyes, once green, are now described as topaz. His appearance changes if he goes long without feeding: his eyes darken, becoming almost black, and purple bruises appear beneath his eyes. Edward is 6'2" Tooley is 6'4", and has a slender but muscular body.

So why is it that women want him a lot more than, say, El Hefé, who some would argue is all those things AND more?  Apparently the reason's are "deeper" (that or he goes deeper? The world may never know....what, you think I actually read the whole article?!).  And based off the photographic evidence (not photoshopped) by an anonymous source, even El Hefe wants him!

Yet through all of that, he's only #5 on the all time most powerful vampires according to Forbes.  What's up with that?


EVERY guy girl deserves his her own Tooley Edward.


I guess we'll all have to watch Twighlight someday.  Here's a clip:

Bootleg DVD covers

These movies look even better when they're the bootlegs!

Like:

The Loin King

Star Wars: Science Fiction Perform Distinctive

Lost in Translation

Bruce Todopoderoso

Becca and I on our upcoming business trip

Power Ballads

TOP 5 POWER BALLADS (any order)

Mötley Crüe - You're All I Need
Cinderella - Nobody's Fool
Guns N' Roses - Don't Cry (original lyrics)
Queen - Who Wants to Live Forever
Scorpions - Still Loving You

Movember

We all know it's no shave November, but we can also use it as an excuse to raise awareness for cancer:

I have decided to join a global movement that is bringing much needed attention to cancers that affect men.  I'm doing this by growing a Moustache this Movember, the month formerly known as November.  My commitment is to grow a moustache all November to change the face of men's health and I want you to join me.

The funds we raise during our Moustache journey go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and the Lance Armstrong Foundation (LIVESTRONG).

What many people don't know is that 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetime and that testicular cancer is the most common cancer in men aged 18-35.  Facts like these have convinced me I should get involved.

To join my Movember team called Team OHSU go to http://us.movember.com/register/1802

Once registered you'll be sent all the information needed to get donations and get growing as part of my Movember team.

Together we can change the face of men's health.

Have you ever hated your job this much?

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/21509945/detail.html


Police: Man Who Claimed Stabbing Didn't Want To Go To Work

EDGEWATER, Colo. -- A man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed in Edgewater Monday night has admitted he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work.

Aaron Siebers, 29, reported the stabbing at about 6:30 p.m. when he walked to his job at Blockbuster Video, 1921 Sheridan Blvd.

Siebers was rushed to St. Anthony Hospital where he received stitches to close his wound.

Meanwhile, officers from Edgewater, Mountain View, Lakewood, Lakeside and Jefferson County began a search for the suspects, who had been described as three skinheads or Hispanic males dressed in black. He told police they tried to rob him and then stabbed him with a knife.

Investigators reviewed surveillance video taken at a nearby business. It failed to show an attack where Siebers claimed it had happened.

Siebers was re-interviewed by detectives who said he finally admitted he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work.

Possibly Fav. Photo Ever of Me & Matt

You know what's awkward?

When you're at a work lunch and your boss makes the shocker symbol.

Yeah.

I'm Your Huckleberry

Hey Paul!

Tom Cruise is inspiration for Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman

Halloween Costumes

In the spirit of Tooley, Devon, Mary (Pimmel), & I going to Salem, Mass for Halloween, I'm wondering what kind of costumes Spokanicity plans on/wishes they could wear.

The Most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes of 2009


I hope someone dresses as the guy who pumps a shotgun twice at a party

I'd Be Interested

Jan 2nd GU vs the Illini

Anyone interested in coming to Chicago for the Gonzaga vs. Illini game on Jan 2nd? I bought two tickets thinking Mary wanted to come but she's going to a wedding.

Columbus Day

God bless you Columbus Day!

Stu: You shouldn't be sitting around at the computer on your day off sean. It's not healthy
Me: it's not my day off
Stu: what? you're working today?
Me: yup
Me: Columbus Day is for suckas
Stu: ha ha you are a work a holic my friend
Me: it's true
Stu: are you just sitting there in an empty office right now
Stu: it must feel like camping
Me: no, everyone is here
Stu: what?
Me: yeah
Stu: wait a minute... is today actually not a day off at work?
Me: not that I am aware of
Stu: FUCK
Me: haha
Me: dude, I'm sure it's fine if you come in whenever
Stu: holy shit it is such a good thing we just had this conversation

If you need an afternoon pick-me-up

Dreams

Rachel Wilson says:
you know what i just thought of
Rachel Wilson says:
we could go to chicago
Rachel Wilson says:
AND GO TO OPRAH!
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
OH MAN
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
That would be EPIC
Rachel Wilson says:
RACHEL AND BECCA DO OPRAH!!!
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
Ahahahaha
Rachel Wilson says:
WHAT IF WE GOT FREE GIFTS
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
OPRAHS FAVORITE THINGS SHOW???
Rachel Wilson says:
aiiii
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
That would be awesome
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
Can we please bring Paul with us?
Rachel Wilson says:
paul will just mock!
Rachel Wilson says:
i'll only bring paul if he's drunk
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
OH GOD
becca_jensen@hotmail.com says:
DRUNK OPRAH
Rachel Wilson says:
hahahahaha

Becca = Baby Factory

Actual list of blogs Becca is following:

Blogs I Follow

A NYC Housewife-In-Training

A Year in the Life of a News Photographer

Arianna Belle

Barefoot in the Park

Blissful Living

City of Dionne

Confessions of a Twenty Something Year Old

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Greek Like Me?

Girl v. The World

Habbala

In Good Faith

Life of a Busy Wife

Little Woman, Little Home

Love, Shannon

making stuff and doing things

Misadventures of a Newlywed

My Name is Heather and I'm a Planaholic

N Her Shoes

Newbie New Yorker

One Day at a Time

Precious And Pink

Quirkology

Sarah Elizabeth

simple life love

smile steady

Steam Genius

Suburban Euphoria

Sweet Tea Diaries

Sweetie Pie Pumpkin Noodle

The Daily Life of a Dallas Wife

The Fucking Bike Club

The New Black

Twenty Something

your wishcake.

COME ON!

Who wants lunch?

KFC is test-marketing a sandwich that uses two pieces of chicken instead of a bun. Mm, I'm hungry.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

*sigh* they're all the same...

Our Lost Yearbook Photos

Life is hard.

If you had a teenage boy cousin who listened to really terrible screamo (like this) and you wanted to make him a CD of good ol' fashioned 90s grunge/I-hate-my-life music, that would be much more fulfilling for him than any of that crap, if I can force him to actually listen to it, what would you put on it? I've got so far:

Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings
Hole - Doll Parts
Radiohead - Creep

I'm also thinking some Metallica, Pearl Jam, I dunno... SUBMIT IDEAS.

I'm shocked!

see more Fail Blog

Drink Up! for your Health

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
You, Your Health & You - Alcohol
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

More Daily Show best moments in Beer

Matt and Becca's Future Child?

That's not my job.

Tesh on Facebook...and more!

"New August show just announced! John’s in concert in Portland, OR on August 20th & 21st (new!), in Spokane on August 22nd. Great seats and VIP packages still available. VIP packages include ticket to show, a complimentary copy of John’s best-selling book, Intelligence For Your Life, and a meet & greet with John! Hope to see you out on the road! -Team Tesh"

Who's In?

...& the nerd reference:

"Some of you have seen this, but because of the new movie I am still getting hundreds of emails....so here you go. Me, on Star Trek Next Generation." - John Tesh

Tesh Music:

Where do YOU fall?

The Geek Hierarchy

I feel this is unfairly biased towards sci-fi fans, but if I use a little imagination, I probably would find myself in the fifth level deep: Erotic Fanfic Writers.

I mean, I don't, but I would.

Becca invites me to dinner w/ her and Matt

YouTube recommended this to me today

Health News

"Sex before bedtime is one of the best ways to guarantee a good night's sleep"

For the men of the blog...

Edit: dammit, I love when Paul edits my posts!

Edit the second: DAMMIT PAUL.

http://www.giadascleavage.com/

Questions for "Nurse Appall Demon"

Here at Spokanicity we strive to improve our lives. As such, we have invited a "guest columnist, Nurse Appall Demon," (pictured) to respond to the many health related emails we have received since Spokanicity was started.

Dear Nurse Demon: I recently knocked up my gf and since I make her tell me when she's on her period, I noticed that she hasn't had a period since she got pregnant so is the baby drinking my gf's period blood? -- I'm Bloody Concerned

Dear I'm Bloody Concerned: Yes, your baby is in fact drinking the period blood. That is how the baby grows to be big and why your "gf" shouldn't be having a period. It also serves as a way to tell parents that they are pregnant. If you do notice any flows, be careful because

Dear Nurse Demon: I'm stressed lately, what do I do? I've tried everything: Massage, sex, pot, guitar hero, listening to Toto...they all don't work! -- Ray from Deer Park

Dear Ray from Deer Park: Simple. Drink!

Note: The unedited versions of the following questions can be seen and attributed here

Dear Nurse Demon: Help! My girlfriend is a pregnant virgin! Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for like almost a year. We even got chastity rings and belts with codes! So one day my girl comes up to me and points at her belly saying I'm pregnent. I look at it and realize SHE IS!!!!!!!!! OMG BEHBEHS :-( The only problem is we got our chastity belts on. She sez shes still a virgin and the only people that know our belt codes are our parents!!!!!! What could be happening? -- Seriously help

Dear Seriously Help: You have an immaculate conception on your hand. This only happens to 0.19% of all pregnancies thanks to Our Lord and Savior. I suggest you go to your nearest white protestant evangelical church and make sure Jesus is your BFF to help you through this because your baby is the next coming. Alleluia!

Dear Nurse: I was playing a simple game of beer pong with the ball bounced up and got stuck in my vajeyjey! I dont want to go to the er cause I dont got insurance. Can you ask a doctor what do I do? - Ping Pong

Dear Ping Pong: Do you have a vacuum with a hose? The doctor said think that's the only way to do it. So unless you have a vacuum or you can go to an emergency department that will treat you without insurance, you'll have to just wait until you have a bowel movement.

Dear Nurse Apall: Okay, I know this is really gross, but sometimes when I sit on my toilet in my igloo, it looks like steam's comin' out of my vagina. Am I going to die or do I have some crazy disease? I've been searching the internet and can't find anything! Can you explain this to me? - Steamed

Dear Steamed: I hate to be the one to tell you this but you have a fatal condition known as gastritis. I have a feeling you consume a lot of dairy products. Unfortunately, if you have a true allergy (not just sensitivity) to dairy, it melts through your insides painlessly and comes out of your vagina or penis as steam. You see, this is due to the chemicals in milk reacting with your antibodies leading to a production of chlorine gas. As the chlorine gas gets released from your body, you're going to inevitably inhale it. And as we know, chlorine gas is toxic. Since you probably haven't stopped consuming dairy up till now, I would say that the buildup of chlorine gas is going to kill you and everyone you know in a couple days.

Dear Nurse Demon: I caught my son having sex with another guy. I think he might be gay. Is there a definitive way I can tell? This could be a phase. Is there some way I could be totally positive? He's only 29. -- Afraid of Rainbows

Dear Rainbows: There is a test out there on the market. This test was originally a home pregnancy test that had 20% false negatives. It was rebranded in South East Asia as coffee stirrers but it was recently discovered that they test for homosexuality with 99.9% accuracy. It's $19.95 if you act now. Hurry because supplies are limited.

Dear Nurse Demon: If a hen swallows a condom full of semen infected with HIV and if someone eats their meat, can you get AIDS? -- Colonel Popeye

Dear Colonel: First off, I would like to thank you for your service to your country. It's always good to thank a veteran. Second, as long as you marinade the chicken in beer and cook it over a grill, then eat it with plenty of alcohol, it will kill the HIV. You'll probably have to go through a whole six pack yourself to prepare and eat it, but I think you'll be fine.

Dear Nurse Demon: If I don't have sex, will my vagina eventually heal up and close? -- Fratty

Dear Fratty: Yes it will, unless you drink plenty of alcohol and have lots of sex. The alcohol irrigates the wound while sex prevents the wound from closing in on itself. Sorry, masturbation is only good for men. For women it helps potentiate healing up of vagina.

Dear Nurse Apall: Is there anyway to get the most popular guy in school to make me pregnant? IM 14 & I THINK im ready 4 a child & I hav the right guy to get me pregnant but he doesnt want to have 1 so is there anyway I can poke holes in his condoms with a needle without him knowing what I did? So you know, I have and job... and I dont want to be a old mother thats why I wanna have one b4 16 and the guy is 17 & hes the coolest richest guy in school and he has a car. What if I buy him condoms and poke holes in them and have him use them? -- Helen of Troy

Dear Troy: You could also convince him that he doesn't need a condom by telling him that if you have sex standing up you can't get pregnant or that you're on the pill.

Disclaimer: Spokanicity is designed for comedy purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice or for the care that patients receive from their licensed independent practitioners.

NO BITCHING

Also, I changed our template because I was tired of not being able to see wide images. MAKE IT BETTER IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

Google Ads: in my brain

While emo songs, hairstyles, and fashions may not be your first choice for your teen, understanding this culture will help you get through this phase of his life.

The Real Reason Tooley's in the East:

Hermione Granger

Cut of Critical Defense Project?

Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon

Say What!

Create avatar

Lemon Party

This Lemon Party Thing Sounds Like It Might Be Fun

Palin '09

Generic Photos

Spokanicity was originally created as a means of a group of us to chat at work. We came together so we could have an outlet from the bullshit we encountered daily in our professional lives. Since then the blog has changed towards including interesting facts, photoshoped photos of Steve, or random shit that really just lowers our IQ. But I say we need to take a moment to reflect on where we came from. That being bitching about our job. Well loyal readers, here's some crap I've been dealing with I'd like to share with you in this segment I will call Stupid People.


One of the things I do at my job is take leads which come in, and requests for clients from salesmen, and do research on those companies. When Joe-Bob's Toupee, LLC contacts us, we research their website to get valid contact info, make sure they look like a legitimate company, classify them into one of severl hundred categories, then finally pass them to a salesman to make a sale. In the process of looking at over a hundred webpages daily, I've seen awesome websites, and really shitty ones. Today however, I hit a wall and needed to stop and vent. Take this company. Why do they have a photo of a scientist holding a vial of Windex? Their slogan is "We help resolve your technical challenges." I did not realize Windex was complex. But (in Krayden's defense), they do apparently specialize in chemicals and solvents... Apparently... But whatever he is doing leads to this. This is the reason for today's rant. I hate generic photos. Do generic photos companies buy from websites really help? I know that if I were a consumer and stumbled upon this website I would be excited that a scientist would be looking intently at a vial of Windex, and through this deep thought he would find the key to success, and I (the customer) would be so excited I'd do business with this company. In reality it pisses me off. I know that actor is not a scientist and probably is thinking to himself while staring at the vial "hmm, what shall I have for lunch when they are done taking my photo. Do you think I can keep this coat? I wonder if this is Windex? Why am I holding this again? Shit, do I look serious enough? Oh, shot's done, let's go get drunk." I know that's what I would be thinking.

Let's take this from a practical point. Here is a letter I am sure Krayden received:

Dear Krayden,

I stumbled upon your website and could not help noticing that your motto is you can helpo resolve technical challenges. Well I hope you can help with my challenge. You see, I have 3 rocks which I need to stack, but I will be damned if I cannot get those little bastards stacked. They keep stipping off. Any assistance would be wonderful.

Sincerely,

Unstackable.


Dear Unstackable,

We are awesome, we stacked your rocks. See attached photo.

Sincerely,

Krayden.


Generic photos are a load of crap. They rarely make a half-assed company look nice, and usually just end up making the website appear like a scam. BUT beware, I've seen the exact opposite. Here are a few examples of companies that decided they had better photos of their own office than a stock photo.... Ugh...

Example the first: The first time I saw this I embarrassingly lol'd at work. That poor woman. I want to go into the office and give her a phonebook to sit on, or at the least send her a postcard because she looks like someone at a retirement home who has lost her mind.

Example the second: This page you may have to refresh until the picture in the top right corner (under the company name) shows "Tom Mueller - Owner". HAHAHA! I cannot stop laughing whenever I see this photo. When I saw this page I was crying I was laughing so hard. It looks like he crapped his pants and smelled it the moment before the photo was taken. I could not work for about 15 minutes because every time I got it under control I saw his face and burst into tears again.

Example the third: Unfortunately this looks like a generic photo which makes me wonder why they paid for it, and secondly why it is something you'd put on your website?

Example the forth: Alright, again this is a stock photo, but this is more a complaint about wrong photo for the situation. In the banner check out the second photo on the left. "Mr. John - the complete source for temporary restrooms.......at your wedding on the beach." COME ON!

Hurtin'

Many, many years ago-centuries ago, in fact-there lived a people with oak colored skin and almond eyes, herders on horseback and camel who followed sheep and goats and yak across ancient grasslands at the top of the world. Theirs was a land of bitter extremes, wind-swept steppes bounded by jagged peaks, long winters cold beyond imagining that melted into short green grassy summers when the herds multiplied and there was milk and meat in abundance.

- yurtinfo.org

Rudy!

Today I went to a meeting hosted by the CEO and he mentioned that 2 years ago Rudy Rudiger came to their office to give the employees a speech. I then thought of Steve talking about how that's all he's done with his life, followed by most of the men at 428 chanting "Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!" over and over again. Rudy Rudiger, if you are reading this blog, know this: you are the Person the World Needs Most.

Tooley's REAL dad

Happy father's Day

Becca and Rachel Play Lexulous

www.facebook.com/tooleyislame

I think it has a certain ring to it. What would your facebook username be?

just a normal day at work

Becca says:
I already ate my muffin and my cucumber

Steve Crusiers

http://failblog.org/2009/05/05/footwear-fail/

Rachel Wants to be an Ape

Estimates of the amount of identical genetic material (DNA) in chimpanzees and humans range from 94.6% to 99.4%. This marked similarity, and additional evidence, have led primatologists to suggest that the taxonomy of the apes should include three groups: hylobatidae (gibbons and siamangs); pongidae (orangutangs); and hominidae (gorillas, chimpanzees, and humans). Apes are classified in the phylum Chordata, subphylum Vertebrata, class Mammalia, order Primates.

Dammit! My Name Is Jonas

http://pitchfork.com/news/35330-weezer-to-tour-with-blink-182/

Critical Logic, what the hell were you thinking?

Deepest, Bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

(11:39:25 PM) tundratooley: will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?
(11:39:44 PM) Crave42: yes
(11:40:03 PM) tundratooley: good to know
(11:40:22 PM) tundratooley: that's a load off my chest
(11:40:40 PM) Crave42: you are that boy
(11:41:08 PM) tundratooley: I can only hope
(11:41:59 PM) tundratooley: deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
(11:43:12 PM) Crave42: ladies love cool tooley
(11:43:48 PM) tundratooley: I should become a rapper
(11:44:14 PM) tundratooley: making deep parallels about my life and that of aquatic animals
(11:45:26 PM) Crave42: mainly the headgear that you wear and its resemblance to a dorsal appendage
(11:46:43 PM) Crave42: i wish ll cool j was wearing that during the video, then the song would have a whole new meaning